Sunday, December 26, 2010

Is that a strip steak in your pants, or are you....

For those of you who missed it at A Daily Dose of Decadence earlier this month here's my blog titled 'Is that a strip steak in your pants or are you just happy to see me?'  Enjoy! Don't forget to check out the Decadent Publishing's blogspot and DP website for interesting blogs and great stories from all the DP authors!

And FREE STUFF -- you can win daily at 30 Days of Decadence - AND a gorgeous grand prize from the DP Authors and the great folks at Decadent Publishing! The giveaways are going on through the end of December.

AND- gosh I'm full of ANDS today --- check out my gal Deanna Wadsworth's new holiday short story SECRET SANTA - it's part of READ FOR A CURE during the month of December.

Check A Daily Dose of Decadence blogspot on Wednesday, Dec. 29th for another WILD WEDNESDAY BLOG w/ME---Wendy Burke!


Wendy Burke’s Wild Wednesday Blog
‘Is that a strip steak in your pants or are you just happy to see me?’

            It’s amazing the things people think they can get away with. (Read that –stupid criminals.)
             In my ‘real’ job (well, if you can call any kind of media a ‘real’ job) I am a TV newsroom assignment manager. Basically, I tell people where to go and what to do. When I’m not doing that, I’m doing research for stories, kissing up to cops on the phone and harassing my favorite US Marshal for fugitives whose mugs need to be plastered on the airwaves.
            But I digress. (Which happens a lot with me…Oh, look a nickel!)
            Please be aware, there is a special section of hell reserved for us media types – my sense of humor has become much less respectful, much more graphic and horrendously cynical in the past fifteen-plus years in the TV news biz. (It was warped by radio, however, WAY before that!)
            I’m sure many of you have heard ‘If it bleeds, it leads,’ a pseudo-mantra of television news. Well, not necessarily. In our newsroom, it may not be the lead story, but if someone is stealing something and is caught with it in his/her PANTS, well then it’s a story to consider just for its entertainment value.
            And, just where do you find people sticking stuff in their pants on a daily basis? ---The police logs.
            I read them every day. Sometimes the reports are boring (the usual copper wire thefts from vacant homes), sometimes they’re interesting (Code 18—that would be a dead body), sometimes you have to ask WHAT?! (like the guy who broke into a home and swiped a light bulb, toilet paper and a guinea pig.) 
            I guess you need to feel sorry for someone who thinks they need to steal from the Dollar Store. ‘PRO –(person reporting incident, usually the victim) states man stuffed shampoo, body wash and a package of disposable razors down his pants and fled.’ But, if you feel the need to be clean, steal away – but why stuff the stuff in your trousers?!
A whole new definition of the word ‘meat.’ ‘PRO reports man and woman trolling the meat section stuffing various cuts into their pants.’ This was a tandem job! Is that a ribeye in your pants or are you just happy…
            Hardware store: ‘PRO states suspect was clearly seen placing a ball peen hammer into the lower portions of his overalls. When approached, suspect threatened loss prevention officer with said hammer.’ Okaaay.
            This one is one of the oddest however. ‘PRO states man left store with a seven inch circular saw blade in his pants.’
            ---I got NOTHIN’ for that!---
            The last one reminds me of my college days at the University of Wisconsin Oshkosh. UWO…or U-W-Zero as some called it. Anyway, I digress! (Oh look – a penny!) Back in the day  when college kids could drink at 18, (in Wisconsin we grew up with Old Style in our sippy-cups) there was always a beer to be had at the end of a long, hard college school-day. Yep, after three hours of ‘History and Appreciation of Cinema’ (read that, one long nap!) I and a pile of friends certainly needed a beer, or two, or three.
            So, we head to one of the many bars surrounding UWO.
            Bars are a great place to get dorm decorating ideas and glassware. (Trust me, I’m getting back to the saw blade!) After one particularly intense beered study session, a pal of mine decides she needs a set of six pilsner glasses and a pitcher. Those were the great ‘80s (1980s not 1880s!) when Wisconsin gals all had stadium jackets – long, usually large wale corduroy, with pockets everywhere! And, the jacket/coat made for a great vehicle to covertly ease those items out the bar.
            After emptying the pilsner glasses with help from the table, off we went, back to Breese Hall. Too bad said glass-swiper decided to trip over a curb and fall in the middle of the street.
            The tinkling sound of breaking glass was heard only momentarily – then her screams covered the lovely sound.
            So, whether it’s meat, toiletries, saw blades. Guinea pigs or glassware – please, if you’re on an appropriation mission, do it with extreme caution if said appropriated items will end up close to your person!
            AND – I am neither endorsing NOR encouraging any type of criminal activity by anyone! I don’t want to see any of you on the daily police logs! If I do, your criminal butt is mine and you’ll be embarrassed via on air and on line media!



Sunday, December 5, 2010

It's a week after Thanksgiving...

....but for those of you who missed it at A Daily Dose of Decadence last week here's my blog titled 'It's the Day Before and I'm Thankful For...Big Kids, Jerry Springer and Pie.'  Enjoy! Don't forget to check out the Decadent Publishing's blogspot and DP website for interesting blogs and great stories from all the DP authors!

And FREE STUFF -- you can win daily at 30 Days of Decadence - AND a gorgeous grand prize from the DP Authors and the great folks at Decadent Publishing!

AND- gosh I'm full of ANDS today --- check out my gal Deanna Wadsworth's new holiday short story SECRET SANTA - it's part of READ FOR A CURE during the month of December.


             Big kids, Jerry Springer and pie.
            (God, that sounds so much like ‘old dogs, children and watermelon wine!’…okay, not really.)
            So, now you’re saying, “What do big kids, Jerry Springer and pie have to do with one another?’
            Well, here goes.
            I always say I don’t have many friends; most people who fall into that category are much too close and too important to have that minor moniker. Those people, at one time ‘friends,’ have become the best kind of family to me – the kind I can completely be myself with. You know, the ones who don’t come in through the front door, but the garage. The ones who will happily sit in their jammies with you all day and drink beer in front of the fireplace and discuss everything and nothing.  Ones who know your house, so when they visit they’re not ‘high maintenance.’ Ones who are easy to travel with.
            From my own experience, the travel part doesn’t apply to most ‘blood relation’...ahem.
            So, back to kids, Springer and pie.
            Hard to believe it’s nearly ten years ago now – a trip to Disney World. Sure it’s great with little kids, the ‘oohs and ahhs’ of all those primary colors and toddlers screaming like Banshees as Mickey or Minnie get close. Yes, those are the things lasting memories are made of.
            Not in this house.
            Memories are made when three forty-somethings and one fifty-something attempt to have an adult beverage in every country in Epcot. I think we were thrown out of Canada after commentary regarding just ‘what does a guy wear under his kilt?’ (The answer is actually ‘socks.’---now that I think about it, what the hell was a Scotsman doing in Canada playing a bagpipe anyway!?...lost, probably, lost.)
            Yes, I’m thankful for the three Big Kids I experienced Disney with. Who can forget brushing the chickens in the Animal Kingdom’s petting zoo – in blatant disregard of the ‘Please Don’t Brush the Chickens’ sign posted at the entrance? (And, I can tell you, brushing a chicken in 90-degree heat is no small undertaking!)           
          While we were having fun, we were also encouraging to our fellow guests. Like the woman, not using her inside voice, grousing loudly about her drenched condition as she exited the Kali River Rapids – at the time she was standing next to the sign which read, ‘You WILL get wet on this ride!’  I think the phrase from one of my cohorts was, ‘Lady, this is the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH! Shut up already!’ Yes, very encouraging!        
            It was a great Kodak moment in the Magic Kingdom, waiting in the dark, in a large group for the train to other parts of the park. Sometimes, you just don’t know what will hit you --- like the little guy in the stroller puking on the back of your leg. You can tell by the way I’m chuckling, that wasn’t my leg, of course.
            And, then there’s Jerry Springer.
            Nothing says ‘Good Morning’ like a good stage fight on the Springer Show while eating whatever selection of pie is left in the Disney Institute condo’s fridge. (Also known as the ‘Disneytute’ in some circles, the accommodations have since been razed – I think it may have something to do with our stay there – really, you’re not supposed to invite the little white Ibis birds in for chips and dip? Funny, I saw no sign reading ‘Do not invite the wildlife into the condo.’) I’m still at a loss as to who is her babies’daddies – did he sleep with his fiancee’s grandmother – and why was a size 22 bloomer panty found in her thong drawer. Oh – the mysteries!
            So to recap –for a week, four big kids, a refrigerator full of breakfast pie (and beer!), and Jerry Springer to kick off the morning prior to hitting the parks.
            Was one of the best weeks of my life. And, I’m thankful for every second of it.
            Three days after that tremendous time in Florida – Sept 11, 2001.
            I’m thankful I live in the United States. I’m thankful there are people willing to protect me – a total stranger – whether on the other side of the world, or down the street. I’m thankful for more things than I could possibly count.
            But maybe tomorrow, while I’m at work, I’ll start counting all those things. If I’m lucky, by this time next year, I’ll still not have tallied them all!
            Happy Thanksgiving – especially to my husband (aka Ktn), and my dear ‘family,’ Bob & Jules. (Get the Cow cold – we’re comin’ home for Christmas!)